Interesting Tidbits: 10 Things I Don't Love So Much About Japan

I was going to call it 10 Things I Hate, but there aren't really ten things I hate about this country. Really, it's lovely here. That being said though, that doesn't mean there aren't things that are annoying as fu--

1. Your Voice Hurts My Brain
Man, Japanese sound-space is like a battlefield. In America, there's no way in hell you can get away with driving around a truck and blasting politics through a microphone, but it's kind of run-of-the-mill here. And Christ, don't get me started about the girls with the shrill-ass voices advertising their karaoke or izakayas on the street. I'm surprised there aren't dolphins and whales surfacing from the water from hearing that god-damn pitch.

2. Yes, I Do Have Basic Motor Skills
I know there's no bad intent, but I don't need to be praised with wide-eyes every time I use chopsticks or sit in the seiza position...can't most people?

3. Too Much Wrapping
Man do they waste paper here when it comes to wrapping food. I thought Kyoto protocol was some serious stuff! Save the environment, right? Then why the hell are these cookies individually wrapped?

4. Does No One Speak English in This Immigration Office?
This is probably the only item on the list that actually made me furious. Yeah, I get it, this is Japan, the language is Japanese, that's all fine. But if you work at an immigration office and there's no one in your department that speaks English, shit, there's a problem, man. I mean, isn't it implied that you deal with, y'know, immigrants? I got fed up at one point and had the following conversation with the man behind the counter:
"Do you speak English?"
- "No." (in Japanese)
"Parlez-vous Français?"
-"...No?"
"Se puede hablar Espanol?"
-"...No."
"Then how about I be the one standing on that side of the counter."
Well he didn't understand that either, of course. I had to put Ken on the line to explain my situation.

5. Better Catch That Last Train
Why the hell does the biggest metropolis on the face of the planet not have a 24-hour transportation system? Even Montreal does night buses. Not only do the trains in Tokyo stop even earlier during weekends, but there's just no way around once they're done with, with the sole exception being...

6. Taxis That Cost A Gazillion Yen
Grabbing a cab in Tokyo is shamefully expensive. They start off a 710¥ (8-9$) right off the bat and climb pretty high. Unless you need to be somewhere, better consider spending the night out or sleeping at McDonald's.


7. This Sausage Tastes Like Plastic
No really, Japanese wieners are no good at all.

8. I Refuse to Live in a Closet
No reference to homosexuality intended. What I mean is, real-estate in Tokyo is ridiculously expensive - the most expensive in the world in fact. When I first moved into Hermit Fortress, my current apartment, I thought of it as rather small. I was shocked when I invited guests over and they commented on the place being "spacious," and "large." I was raised in a country with few people and lots of land, and here I am in its exact antithesis, paying 800$ for 25 square meters.


9. Rush Hour Trains
Oh hell no. It's rush hour and I'm boarding the train from Shinjuku. I pretty much have to resign myself to enduring a shitty ride like something out of public transport in hell. Everyone's so close that I can feel someone's ass on my leg and the fumes traveling upwards straight into my nose as he farts, sending vibrations through my pants. Someone else's teeth are on my shoulder, but I'll have to forgive him, because he can't move. Oh, sorry my eyelashes are brushing your underarms as I blink, I would move my head back but I can't because the girl behind me is already bending over backwards so far that her nose is in some guy's ball sack, which he tucked between his legs because or else they'd be resting upon that school boy's hat.


10. The Other Gaijin
Generally speaking, I feel good about the people I work with, seeing as most of the time I do agree with who gets hired. Man, a lot of people who come to Japan are...freaky. Sure, I love my video games and I've read my share of comics, but some of the people who make it here are just obsessive about niche cultural elements, or bring the things I disliked about North America with them all the way here. I really tend to stay away from Roppongi for that reason.