Silly Inventions 6: The Synthetic Woman (a Museum Full)

#6: Synthetic Women

I DO NOT ENDORSE THIS.

Actually, they're sex dolls. For a limited time only, in the posh neighborhood of Ginza, a museum dedicated to showcasing sex dolls opened. And by that, I don't mean blow-up dolls. Japan, apparently, has come a long way from those.
 Really, I shouldn't even be surprised. This is truly the only country in the world where even the most perverse basement dwellers could get together and pool their resources to create a full synthetic woman just so they wouldn't have to speak to a real one in the outside world. But here I am, and after having toured the small museum, I now feel like I know more about sex dolls than any man who hasn't used one has the right to.
 Pictures weren't allowed! Sorry if mine are blurry, I kind of had to go at it through a stealth-cam. I gladly deliver!
The museum was comprised of two rooms (boutique not included), one displaying sex dolls of models old and new, arranged in various poses, while the other one showcased some casts through which the dolls were molded, as well as having a doll that could be interacted with (moved, touched) while a savvy clerk explained its functions.
 The dolls were frighteningly realistic. With flexible skeletons that could be moved and articulated in places accurate to the true human anatomy, as well as a full jacket of silicon skin, from a distance, they certainly did look like real people. The level of detail in the lips and faces was jarring, and of course, for the hair, nothing would have sufficed but actual human hair.
With such a level of detail, though, it was almost disturbing to hold one's wrist and realize the one thing it lacked was the warmth of actual flesh, making it seem like I was touching a corpse. Plus, the skin had an inhuman smoothness, an absence of pores and veins and wrinkles - all things I didn't expect to find on a doll, but keep them from being perfect. I think I'm a little grateful for that, actually.
 What kind of threw me off however was the centerpiece of the main room, a doll just around 145 centimeters tall or so that had all the traits of a ten year old girl. I don't know whether it was meant to provoke thought or not, but whatever the case, its mere existence was both fascinating and a little upsetting. But if it holds pedophiles back from going after the real thing, then maybe it's a good thing? Most of the questions I had here went unanswered, for better or for worst.
I still don't know how one goes about cleaning a sex doll after use, but its mildly entertaining to imagine some guy dragging one into a bathroom, running the bath water, holding it upside down, spreading its legs and scrubbing with a sponge.
 I guess I'll never know.

Silly Inventions 5: Turtle Launcher

#5: Turtle Launcher

As far as the toy industry goes, Japan's pretty innovative. The most mundane objects can be turned into delightful things. If even the idea of it is entertaining, then it's put on the market.
 So, why not a turtle that launches out of its shell, exposing a swimsuit-wearing body? It's not even a joke. Here's the Turtle Launcher, ladies and gentlemen.

Life-changing, I know. The name of this product is actually "Aitsu, Kame yamerutte yo." Which roughly translates to "this guy's giving up on being a turtle," but I think Turtle Launcher summarizes it about just as well. These toys come in six different varieties (different kinds of turtles and tortoises) and are sold for just around 2$ from gashapon machines. One of them even wears a bikini.
 Of course, upon discovering the existence of these wonderful creatures, I absolutely had to find one for myself, and sure as hell, they're being distributed just about anywhere you would expect to find gashapon toys. Wanna see it in action? Your balls aren't ready for this.

God damn it.

Okay, actually, I got a lot better at launching it after that. There's actually a trick to it. And while it won't fly into the sky like the promotional video, it can travel a meter or so and right into your cup of coffee. I know, right? You better get it.

Interesting Tidbits: Fun With Toilets

Most of my friends who've come to Japan has expressed surprise at the different kinds of toilets there are here. "What?", you say. "There's more than one kind of toilet?" Yes. Yes there is. Here's a quick guide. Emptying your bladder may never be a chore again!
 Nope, actually you still have to empty your bladder. But here!



 - THE CLASSIC

 Features:
  - Well, you can poop in it.


Alright, no one actually calls it "the classic." But if you're a westerner, your choice is pretty much this or a bush. It's a regular toilet, I've nothing to explain here.






- THE SQUAT TOILET

 Features:
- The squatting position allows you to empty your bowels easier.
- Don't fall backwards.

You can actually find these in many other countries than just Japan. They're basically a hole in the ground. I know lots of people who abhor these and avoid them at all costs. They're kind of archaic?




- THE WASHLET

Features:
- The temperature of the seat can be adjusted.
- Can be made to play a sound when you flush.
- Water jet with controlled intensity and direction.

The washlet is Japan's ultimate bathroom robot thing. It's basically toilet 2.0, and it's been drawing gasps from foreigners for years now. It's incredibly satisfying to sit down and not have to worry about freezing your cheeks.


And there you have it, Japan's three types of toilets! Go collect them all or something!

Silly Inventions 4 - Live Urine Analysis

#4: Live Urine Analysis

Live as in, on the spot. Instant. Walking into the bathroom of an arcade in Osaka, I was caught completely off-guard by this.
It's simple, really. You pee on the target pad and the machine supposedly reads your urine (whether you like it to or not) and tells you something about yourself, on top of quantifying the amount of urine you expelled.
 Mine said I was mostly LOVE and CUTE (as opposed to STINKY and PERVERTED among others.) A lady then appeared in the bottom left, saying "You're totally an Akiba-type." Yeah, it's nonsense to me as much as it is to you, but it sure as hell makes me want to try again.
Of course, I must've looked like a hell of a tourist taking pictures of the screen atop the urinal, but, what the hell.

Silly Inventions 3: Corn Holder

#3: Corn Holder

Please, someone let me know if this is not exclusive to Japan. Mankind has been eating corn since it could take a dump. It's fascinating how something introduced so late in the game could be considered useful in any way, so this has got to be a joke. "Put your corn on a magical horn" is such an amazing product-selling line that they just couldn't pass up on the opportunity to deliver the joke. But look at how awkward it would be to grip the damn thing. Whatever the case, your guests will be amazed once you start pulling out the corn holders.

 Silly Inventions is a segment describing abnormal Japanese products I stumble upon. See more by clicking here or on the Silly Inventions tag.

Silly Inventions 2: Face Stretch

#2: Face Stretch

Oh shit, hide the kids. It's Face Stretch (marketed in Japanese as a portmanteau, like "Facetretch.")
 The tagline on the bottom reads "Everyday fun face exercise!" The picture on the packaging looks like a god damn blow up doll, and the product itself looks like something a deviant may put inside his butt.
 What's this even supposed to do? Stretch your maxilofacial muscles?
 Just chew on gum instead!

Silly Inventions is a segment describing abnormal Japanese products I stumble upon. See more by clicking here or on the Silly Inventions tag.

Silly Inventions 1 : Necomimi

The innovation of the Japanese is a well-known thing; maybe to the point of stereotyping. Here's a new column. Just because I can't get around how great/awful/ridiculous some things I see here are. Alright. Here's the first.

#1: Necomimi

It's a terrible day indeed when something from weaboo-space tries to inch its way into the world of grown men and women. Unfortunately, it does occasionally happen, and here we are; it's Necomimi.
How does this qualify as an invention?

These are more than just a cat-ear headband. The necomimi has a node that goes onto the forehead and a sensor that is placed on the temple when worn. The idea is that, by picking up on brainwaves, the ears move in order to simulate the appropriate emotion. Put simply, the ears go down when you're thoughtful, or sad. They perk up when you're stimulated. They spin if you're excited or restless.

 These'll run you down around 150$. You're basically paying that much to let everyone around you know how sad or aroused you are. It's kind of creepy, and I'm not exactly sure what kind of niche market they're trying to hit with this thing. Don't get me wrong, the tech is actually kind of impressive, and the idea is, well, innovative, if nothing else.

 They had a kiosk, so I obviously had to try them; and sure as hell, they did start spinning just because I guess I was kind of anxious to see if they would work. But I couldn't get them to do much else. Whether this means the product isn't so accurate or that it can't be cheated is up to you to decide, but my verdict on necomimi is a no-buy. Come on. Who needs this thing. It's dorky.